英语小笑话带翻译
1、 “Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, hestepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog’s tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It’s a wonder that the dog is so long.从前有个瞎子。一天，他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走，这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗，惊诧地说：奇怪，这只狗可真够长的。”
2、 “”i had an operation,” said a man to his friend, “and the doctor left a sponge in me.”一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。””that’s terrible!” said the friend. “got any pain?” “真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？””no, but i am always thirsty!” “不疼，可是我总感到口渴！””
3、 “Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, “This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight.” Friend: “But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box.” Dan: “I’m teaching him how to run, too.”丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？”丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。””
4、 “One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪…Girl: Father, I have sinned.女孩：神父，我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父：孩子，你犯了什么罪呢？Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a “son of a Bitch.”女孩：昨天，我骂了某个男人一句：“你这个狗娘养的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父：为什么？他对你做了什么吗？Girl: He touched my breast.女孩：他…他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父伸手摸女孩的胸部）Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.女孩：（因为神父的举动而有一些害羞）嗯…是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父：只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩：但是…他又把我的衣服脱掉。Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服）Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩：是的，是这样子没错。Preac” her: “That s still no reason to call him that.神父：可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what…女孩：然後…他把他的…那个…放到我的…那个…里面…Preacher: (evil laugh…) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)神父：（奸笑貌）你是说像这样子吗？（神父和女孩就那个那个了）Girl: (After a few minutes…) Ugh… Yeah, that s what he did…女孩：（数分钟後）喔…是的…就是这样子…Preacher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a…神父：我亲爱的孩子，就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个…」Girl: But he had AIDS!!女孩：但是他有AIDS呀！Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!神父：那个狗娘养的！！！”
5、 “Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗？约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。”
6、 “A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个万圣节夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。”Who are you?” he asked.“你是谁？”丈夫问到。”I’m the Devil!” she responded.“我是魔鬼！”她回答到。”Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹！””
7、 “A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。””
8、 “A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”一群学生聚在牛津的校园里，一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那个家伙不收回他今早 对我说的话，我今晚就离开牛津。”下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说：“我们要支持他、学习他。”突然，一个女孩问道：“那家伙对你说什么了，霍波？”他弯下腰小声说：“哦，呃…呃…，罗斯小姐，呃…他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。””
9、 “One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。”
10、 “”What are you so happy about?”a woman asked the 98-year-old man.”I broke a mirror,” he replied.”But that means seven years of bad luck.””I know.” he said, beaming,”Isn’t it wonderful?”这难道不好吗?“你高兴什么?”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。“我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。“但那预示着7年的坏运气。”“我知道。”他高兴地说，“这难道不好吗？””
11、 “One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer,” I see that your pig likes apples, but isn”t that quite a waste of time?” The farmer replied,” What”s time to a pig?”一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，”我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?”那位农夫 回答说，“时间对猪有什么意义？””
12、 “Teacher: Tom and John! Why are you late for school today?老师：汤姆！约翰！你俩今天为什么迟到了！Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.汤姆：老师，我一直在找我丢失的一美元硬币。Teachear: John, what about you?老师：那么你呢，约翰?John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.约翰：老师，我不能动啊，我把他的硬币藏脚底下了。”
13、 “Two tomatoes go shopping, a tomato suddenly walk fast, the second tomato asks: “where shall we go?” The first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: “we are not tomatoes? We can talk?”两颗番茄去逛街，第一颗番茄突然走得很快，第二颗番茄就问：“我们要去哪里?” 第一颗番茄没有回答，第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄还没回答，所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄终于慢慢转头说：“我们不是番茄吗?我们会说话吗?”On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.As we drove away, our son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”Our daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye,” Mon ey.”迪斯尼之旅 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”
14、 Stan: I won 92 goldfish.斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。Fred: Where are you going to keep them?弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们?Stan: In the bathroom.斯丹：浴室。Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办?Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！
15、 “One day women’s dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.一天，一家百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给他的太太挑选一件女装。但是，没过多久，他就发现自己已被疯狂的女人们撞得踉踉跄跄。He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.他竭力地忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥舞双臂，挤过人群。”You there!” challenged a thrilling voice. “Can’t you act like a gentleman?”“你干嘛?”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得像一位绅士吗?””Listen,” he said. “I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady.”“听着，”他说。“我已经像绅士一样表现了一个小时了。从现在起，我要表现得像一位女士。””
16、 “Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the Sun, and they tell me it’s about ninety-three million miles away.律师：你说你离事故现场约有35英尺，你能看清多远的东西？证人：这么说吧，早上起床后我看见太阳，别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。”
17、 “Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:″I have known many an instance(实例) of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″一个星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封,发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们：“写信时忘了签名的人,我遇到过很多,但只签了名却忘了写信的人,我还是头一次遇到。”Customer: Waiter, I can’t find any oysters in this oyster stew.Waiter: Well, you wouldn’t expect to find any angels in an angel food cake, would you?顾客：服务员，我这个牡蛎炖菜里怎么没有牡蛎?服务员：是啊，你不会指望在天使蛋糕里发现” 天使 吧?
18、 “On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist’s shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman.Are these for your wife, sir? she asked.Yes, I said.For her birthday? she asked.No, I replied.For your anniversary?No, I said again.As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, I hope she forgives you.一天晚上回家的路上，我看到一家花店外面有一些刚剪下来的玫瑰。我挑了一打，走进店里，一个年轻的女售货员跟我打了个招呼。先生，这些是送给你妻子的吗?她问道。是的，我说。她的生日?她问。不是，我回答。你们的结婚纪念日?不是，我又答道。当我将找回的钱装进口袋，朝门口走去时，那年轻的女人冲我喊道：希望她能原谅你。”
19、 “When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.”How was your first day?” I asked.”It was great, Dad,” he replied. “I got to talk to some good-looking girls.”Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, “What did you say to them?””Do you prefer paper or plastic?”我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。“第一天感觉如何？”我问。“好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。”由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？”“你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？””
20、 “Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.Johnny: It’s there, sir.Teacher: That’s right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?Sammy: Johnny, sir.老师：约翰尼，在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。约翰尼：先生，在这儿。老师：对了。萨默，你来回答我是谁发现了澳大利亚?萨默：先生，是约翰尼。”
21、 “Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”不速之客就在路上，我妈妈，一个完美的家庭主妇，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配给我爸和我哥哥的任务是打扫供客人使用的浴室。一会儿之后，当她去检查的时候，她吃惊了，曾经一度杂乱的房间瞬间就被打扫干净了。接着她看到浴帘上有一张纸条，纸条上写着：“谢谢你没往浴缸里看。””
22、 “Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?” A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”就在我开始平安夜祷告时，教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛，把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛，整理了一下笔记后，我说：“刚才我讲到哪儿了？”传来一阵不耐烦的声音：“马上就讲完了！””
23、 “There are 100 cents in a dollar. Coins come in the following denominations: $.01 or 1 cent (a penny,a cent, one cent), $.05 or 5 cents (a nickel, five cents),$.1 or 10 cents (a dime, ten cents), $.25 or 25 cents(a quarter, two bits, twenty-five cents), and $.50 or50 cents (a fifty-cent piece).Coins are called “change”, “small change”, or”silver” though they aren’t made of silver anymore.Coins are generally recognized by their size, butsomebody “goofed” on the dime, which is smaller than either a nickel or a penny. All the others are in size order.One more word for you: don’t hold out your hand with either bills or coins and expect someone to take the correct change from you. That cannot be done in any Western country.一美元中有一百美分。硬币是按下列币值铸造的：一美分，五美分，十美分，二十五美分，五十美分。硬币也叫”零钱”，”小钱”，或”银币”，” 虽然 它们不再是用银子铸成的。总的说来，硬币是通过大小来识别的，但总有人把十美分搞错，它比五美分和一美分都要小。其他的都按币值的大小顺序排列。还有一点要说明：你不能伸出手，托出一把纸币和硬币而希望别人从你那里拿走数目正确的零钱。这在任何西方国家都是不好的。
24、 “A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, places his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles and asks, “And now what, my little man?” The boy replies, “Now we run!”一个牧师正沿着街走路，这时他看到街对面有个小男孩正试图按一所房子的门铃。但这个小孩太小了，门铃又高，他够不着。看到那个小男孩费了很多劲，牧师走近了他。牧师优雅地穿过马路，走到小家伙的背后，轻轻地把手放在小男孩肩头，按响了门铃。他弯下身子，微笑着问道：“接下来怎么办，孩子?”小男孩回答说：“接下来我们跑。””
25、 “Mrs Brown was going out for the day. Shelocked the house and tacked a note for the milkmanon the door: “NOBODY HOME. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING.”When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:”THANKS! WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!”布朗太太要外出一天。 她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条：“家里没人，请不要留下任何东西!” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句：“谢谢!我们什么也没留下!””
26、 “The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard. “It is too crowded, “they shouted.” who do you think you are?” “I am the driver.” he said. 公共汽车上很挤，当又一个人还是试图上车时，乘客们不让他上。 “车上太挤了，”他们喊道，“你以为你是谁？” “我是司机！”他说。”
27、 “Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”Another one said, “How do you know?” The first inmate said, “God told me!” Just then, a voice from another room shouted, “I did not!” 一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑！”另一个说：“你怎么知道？”第一个人说：“上帝对我说的！”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说！””
28、 “”My family is just like a nation,” Mr. Brown told his colleague. “Mywife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war,and my daughter is foreign secretary.” ”Sounds interesting, ” his colleague replied. “And what is yourposition?” ”I’m the people. All I do is pay.” 布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子 是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。” “听上去挺有意思的，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢？” “我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。””
29、 “The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when Father Called over the waiter.”My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate,” explained Father, “Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?” ”Gosh, Dad!” exclaimed the excited boy. “Have we got a dog then?” 一家人在饭馆里吃过晚饭，父亲把服务生叫了过来。 ”先生，什么事？“服务生问。 ”我儿子的盘子里剩下许多肉，“父亲说，”能给我们一个袋子吗？我把剩下的东西带回去喂狗。“ ”啊呀，爸爸！“儿子激动地叫喊着。”咱家养狗了吗？“”
30、 “The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.”You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient, “For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.” The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. “Is the brain of a politician that much better?” he asked. The Brain Surgeon replied, “No, it’s not better, just unused.” 一个外科医生正要作一个脑移植手术。 “你可以从两个脑子中选一个给你。”医生告诉病人，“一个心理学家的大脑1000美元，一个政治家的大脑10000美元。 病人很惊讶二者之间这样大的差别，“政治家的大脑好一些吗？”他问。 医生说：“不是好一些，只是没有用过。””
31、 “A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。””
32、 “A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个万圣节夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。”Who are you?” he asked.“你是谁？”丈夫问到。”I’m the Devil!” she responded.“我是魔鬼！”她回答到。”Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹！””
33、 “On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说，她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿，那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。”
34、 “The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.”It’s all right,” said a gentleman, “don’t be afraid. Don’t you know the proverb: Barking dogs don’t bite?””Ah, yes,” answered the little boy. “I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?”一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？””
35、 “It’s not my faultMother (reprimanding训斥，谴责 her small daughter): You mustn’t pull the cat’s tail.Daughter: I’m only holding it, Mom. The cat’s doing the pulling.不是我的错妈妈（正教训她的女儿）：你不该拽猫的尾巴。女儿：妈，我只是握着猫尾巴，它自己在拽。”
36、 “Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.”Look,” said the elder brother. “How nice these paintings are!””Yes,” said the younger, “but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?”The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, “Obviously he was painting the pictures.”兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”哥哥想了一会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。””
37、 “Two Pieces of CakeTom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly — take this piece and cut it two!两块蛋糕汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗？妈妈：当然可以—-拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧！”
38、 “Walking on the beach one day he saw a crab1, went to see what happens, suddenly crab pincers（钳子） folder2, then crab bush run. Tiger jumped the pain, followed by the recovery of crabs3!Catch up with no trees on the crab, and then to see a tiger in Shou Network spiders, tiger angry at Spider: Good you a crab! Do you think you posted on the Web and I do not recognize you!一天老虎在沙滩散步，见到一只螃蟹，就走过去想看个究竟，突然被螃蟹的钳子夹了一下，螃蟹拔腿就往树丛里跑。老虎痛得跳起来了，紧接着就追螃蟹！追到树丛就不见螃蟹了，这时老虎看见一只守在大网中的蜘蛛，老虎对着蜘蛛发火了：好你个螃蟹！你以为你上了网我就不认得你了！”
39、 “A curious guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it’s right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings1. “Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German,” replies the shop keeper. “And what happens if I pull both the strings?” our curious shopper inquires. “I fall off my perch2 you fool!!” screeches3 the parrot.有个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。在那里，他看见有只鹦鹉的左腿被红线系住，右腿则被绿线系住。对此他感到不解，于是他问该店的老板，老板回答说：“这只鹦鹉受过特殊的训练。如果拉红线，它就讲法语，拉绿线，它则讲德语。”这个好奇的人接着问，“要是我两条线都拉，会怎么样呢？”“我就会掉下来了，你这个傻瓜！！”鹦鹉尖叫着说。”
40、 “A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala（欢庆的） charity event was taking place.Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.”Great idea!” the chicken cried.”Let’s offer hem1 ham and eggs?””Not so fast,” said the pig testily2. “For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”一只猪和一只鸡路过一所教堂，那里有一场盛大慈善活动正在进行着。在精神上收到触动的猪向小鸡提出建议：他们每个人作出点自己的贡献。“好主意！”鸡尖叫道，“让我们给腿和鸡蛋吧？”“着什么急”猪不耐烦地说，“对你来说，是一个贡献，对我来说，这是一个完全的献身。””
41、 “A farmer’s boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them; for he meant to eat them. When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so. When the boy heard it, he said, “You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?”一个乡下少年到处寻找蜗牛，当他双手都塞满了蜗牛后，就准备点火烤着吃。火点着了，蜗牛也开始感觉到热了，他们纷纷退向坚壳的深处，同时还发出“咝咝”的噪音。男孩子听到了蜗牛发出的嘘声，便说：“你们这些连命都快没有的家伙，怎么还能有心情在窝里着火时吹口哨呢？””
42、 “A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically1 impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.Irritated, the teacher reiterated2 that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”一个小女孩和她的老师正在谈论有关鲸鱼的事情。 她的老师说：“一头鲸鱼从身体构造的角度看，是不可能吞掉一个人的。因为尽管鲸鱼是一种非常巨大的哺乳动物，可它的嗓子非常小。”那个小女孩说约拿（一位西伯来先知）就是被鲸鱼吞掉的。她的老师非常生气，她再次告诉小女孩说：“从身体构造角度来讲，鲸鱼是不可能吞掉一个人的。”那个小女孩说：“那等我到了天堂，就去问问约拿。”她的老师问：“那么，假” 如约 拿下了地狱怎么办？”那个小女孩回答：“如果是那样的话，你就去问他。”
43、 “Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody1 nose, black eye, and torn clothing.It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. His father asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel2. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.””Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.””I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”小彼得从操场回到家时，鼻子流血、黑眼圈及被撕破了衣服。显然他刚与人恶斗了一番，而且打输了。父亲问儿子发生了什么事。“噢，爸爸，彼得说，我向拉里挑起决斗，而且我让他挑选武器。”“嗯，”父亲说，“这看上去很公平！”“我知道，但我没想到他选择了他姐姐！””
44、 “It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.At one house a small boy answered the door. “Tell me, young man,” said the politician. “Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?””Neither,” said the child, “she’s in the bathroom.”正值当地竞选时期，候选人到他的区域的千家万户登门拜访。候选人来到了一家门口，一个小男孩开了门。“告诉我，年轻人，”候选人问道，“你母亲是在共和党还是在民主党？” “都不是，”孩子答到，“她在浴室。””
45、 “Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me,Johnny. 老师: 约翰尼，在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。 Johnny: It’s there , sir. 约翰尼: 先生，在这儿。 Teacher: That’s right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia? 老师: 对了。萨默，你来回答是谁发现了澳大利亚? Sammy: Johnny, sir. 萨默: 先生，是约翰尼。”
46、 “Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom? 老师: 汤姆，“男人”这个词的复数形式是什么? Tom: Men. 汤姆:男人们。 Teacher: Good. And the plural of child? 老师: 答得好。那“孩子”的复数形式呢? Tom : Twins. 汤姆: 双胞胎。”
47、 “The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table，their waiter suddenly rushed over. 在饭馆里坐着一对夫妇，他们看上去非常高兴。但是当那女子向旁边瞥了一眼时，服务员马上跑了过来。 “Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.” “夫人，您瞧,” 他说,“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。” “No,he didn’t,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.” “不，他没有,” 她回答,“我丈夫刚从门外进来。””
48、 “A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. “I feel terrible,” she said. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.” 丈夫下班回到家里，发现自己的新娘心绪烦乱。“我心里太难受了，”她说。“我在给你熨西装时把裤子的臀部烧了个大洞。” “Forget it ,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.” “没事儿，”丈夫安慰她说。“你忘了我这套衣服有两条裤子。” “Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. “And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.” “是的，”妻子高兴地说，“幸亏你还有一条，我后来就用它来补了这个洞了。””
49、 “Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho. 妻子：你瞧，根据这报上登的统计数字，那些死于肝癌的人有80%都喝酒。Husband:It’s okey. To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat meals.丈夫：那就不错了。据我调查，所有这些人都吃饭呢。”
50、 “Jack fell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back.杰克骑车摔伤，去医院治疗。一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填。 杰克填好后递上表格。”Anything else?”The nurse asked. “Yes,” Jack thinks for a while and said “l’m a bachelor.”“还有什么漏填的?”护士问。“有！”杰克想了想说，“我是个单身汉。””
51、 “A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”有个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过” 毛巾 ，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。
52、 “A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.”Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined.一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。”You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?””
53、 “George comes from school on the first of September.9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？” 妈妈问I didn’t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too…..“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。””
54、 “Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?“你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？” 老师发问道。A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl. “把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。”小女孩回答道。”
55、 “A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 Years? “God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院， 在手术台上，濒临死亡之际，她看到了上帝， 于是，她问上帝是不是她的日子到头” 了。 上帝回答说，“还没有，你还能活43年，2个月零8天。” 身体快要康复的时候，这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年，得好好对待自己，于是决定先不出院，而是去给自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。 她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。 做完最后一个手术，这位女士出院了， 但就在过马路的时候，她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。 再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地问上帝，“我记得你说我还能再活40年？” 上帝回答，“那个时候我没认出你来”。
