有关英语简短小笑话带翻译
1、 “Harry: “My big brother shaves every day.”哈里：“我哥哥每天都刮脸。”Henry: “My brother shaves fifty times a day.”亨利：“我哥哥每天刮50次脸。”Harry: “Is he crazy?”哈里：“他疯了吗？”Henry: “No, he’s a barber.”亨利：“没有，他是一名理发师。””
2、 “Jimmy is three years old.吉米3岁了。One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, “Mum, mum, come close the window!”一天，他正在窗口观望，夜幕降临。他突然喊道：“妈妈，妈妈，快来关窗！””Why? It’s not cold, sonny.”“为什么？天不冷呀，宝贝。””Yes, mum, but the night will come inside.”“是的，妈妈，可黑夜会进来。””
3、 “A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn’t have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, “Mayday, mayday.” A Coast Guard officer came on and said, “State your location.” “I-75, two miles south of Standish.” After a very long pause, the officer asked, “How fast were you going when you reached shore?”在休伦湖钓完鱼后，我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。 他没带手机，不过，他想，也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。 于是，他爬到他的船里面，启动了无线装置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应，“报告你的位置”。“I-75号公路，Standish的南面两英里”。沉默了好一会之后，警官问我的朋友，“你的船靠岸时开得有多快？””
4、 “A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, “What are you doing in there?” she asked.一位女士打开冰箱门，发现一只兔子坐在其中的一层隔板上，就问它：“你在那里做什么？”The rabbit replied, “This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”兔子回答：“这是Westinghouse对不对？”（Westinghouse，西屋电气公司）The lady confirmed, “Yes.”女士确认道：“没错。””Well,” the rabbit said,”I’m westing.”兔子说：“那就对了，我就是要往西边去。”Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?兔子：你确信这瓶特制胡萝卜汁能治好我的病？Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.医生：当然咯，凡是喝过的兔子没有一只来要第二瓶的。Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?兔宝宝：妈咪，我是从哪儿来的呢？Mother Rabbit: I’ll tell you when you’re older.兔妈妈：等你长大点再告诉你。Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.兔宝宝：噢妈咪，现在就告诉我吧，求您了。Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were” p ulled fr om a magician’s hat.兔妈妈：如果你一定要知道，那我告诉你你是从魔术师的帽子里被拽出来的。
5、 “An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries.一对老夫妇在汉堡王餐厅吃饭，他们小心翼翼地将汉堡和薯条分成两份。A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.一个卡车司机非常同情他们，就提议想给老太太单独点一份。”It’s all right,” says the husband. “We share everything.”“没关系的。”老先生说，“我们分享一切。”A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn’t taken a bite.几分钟后，卡车司机注意到老太太还没动口吃一点东西。”I really wouldn’t mind buying your wife her own meal,” he insists.他再次对老先生说，“我真的不介意请您妻子吃一顿……””She’ll eat,” the husband assures him. “We share everything.”“她会吃的，”老先生向他保证，“我们分享一切。”Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, “Why aren’t you eating?”司机不太相信，恳求老太太，“你为什么不吃一点？”The wife snaps, “Because I’m waiting for the teeth!”老太太咂咂嘴，“我在等” 他 的假 牙。 ”
6、 ““Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.我帮来购物的女士包好东西后，问道：“是付现金、支票还是记账呢？” 当她找钱包的时候，我注意到她的包包里竟放着一个电视遥控器。“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.我问：“你一直都随身带电视遥控器的吗？”“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”她回答说：“不是啦。但我老公不乐意跟我一起来购物，所以我决定拿走他的遥控器来惩罚他。””
7、 “A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”一个结巴壮汉走进一家百货公司问柜员：“男……男装部在……在哪儿？”The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.柜台后的柜员看着他不搭话。The man repeats himself, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.那男人又重复道：“男装……装部在……在哪儿？”柜员还是不理他。The guy asks several more times, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.壮汉问了好几遍柜员依旧如故。最后，壮汉气冲冲地走了。The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s questions?”排在后面的顾客问那个柜员：“你怎么不答人家话呀？”The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”柜员说：“你……你觉着我……我想找打……打是吧！？””
8、 “My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy.我表妹总是从她哥哥的小猪扑满里“借钱”，她哥哥对此事感到很愤怒。One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.一天，表妹四处寻找，最后竟然在冰箱里发现了扑满。Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”扑满里有张纸条：“亲爱的妹妹，我希望你能够理解，我的资产现在已被冻结。””
9、 “While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . “Mump umn Kmpfhm,” was all I heard. ”Drew,” I scolded, “no one can understand a word you’re saying. ”He says he wants some ketchup,” my husband said calmly . A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, “How in the world did you understand him?” ”I’m a dentist,” my husband explained.在饭店吃饭的时候，我申斥我4岁的儿子，因为他满嘴食物在说话。“喔、呢”，我听到的就是这些。 “祖，”我责备道，“没人明白你在说什么。” “他说他要一些番茄酱，”我丈夫平静地说。坐在旁边的一位妇女靠过来问道：“你究竟如何明白他的话的呢？” “我是牙医。”我丈夫解释道。”
10、 “A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.一位男士在进行手术前被发现正沿着医院的大厅逃离。”What’s the matter?” he was asked.“发生了什么？”有人问他。He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”男士回答道：“我听见护士说，‘这只是一个简单的手术。不用担心，我相信不会出问题的。’””She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”“她这样做是想让你感到安心啊，有什么好害怕的？””She was talking to the damn doctor!”“可她是在对那该死的手术医生说！””
11、 “Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.万圣节派对过后，两男人图个乐呵，打算抄近路穿过墓地回家。Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.走到墓地中央时，他们被从迷雾中传来的“答、答、答”声惊吓到了。Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.正当两人害怕得浑身颤抖时，他们看到是个老头拿着铁锤和凿子，在一块墓石上凿着什么。”Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”“哇塞，先生，”其中一人喘了口气说，“你把我们吓得半死啊，我们还以为遇上鬼了呢！那么晚了你在这里做什么？””Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”“那帮白痴！”老头抱怨道，“他们把我名字拼错啦！””
12、 “In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.在一家电影院里，一名观众在演出期间站了起来，沿着他那排位子走到休息室去了。A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:几分钟后，他回到那排位子并问坐在首位的那位男士道：”Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?”“对不起，请问我刚才出去的时候是踩着你的脚吗？””Yes, but it doesn’t really matter. It didn’t hurt at all.”“是的，不过没什么关系，一点也不疼。””Oh, no, it isn’t that. I only want to make sure that this is my row.”“噢，不，我不是这个意思。我只是想确认一下这是不是我的那排位子。””
13、 “A preacher is buying a parrot.一个传教士在买鹦鹉。”Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.“你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗？”传教士问。”Oh absolutely. He’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him.“噢，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主向他保证。”Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”“你看见它腿上的那些细绳了吗？当你拉动右边这根，它会背诵天主经；当你拉动左边那根，它会背诵赞美诗。””Wonderful!” says the preacher, “but what happens if you pull both strings?”“太棒了！”传教士说，“但是如果我同时拉动两根绳子，会发生什么呢？””I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.“我会从树干上掉下去，你这个笨蛋！”鹦鹉尖声说道。”
14、 “Dear white, something you got to know亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。When I was born, I was black.当我出生时，我是黑色的When I grow up, I am black.我长大了，我是黑色的When I’m under the sun, I’m black.我在阳光下，我是黑色的When I’m cold, I’m black.我寒冷时，我是黑色的When I’m afraid, I’m black.我害怕时，我是黑色的When I’m sick, I’m black.我生病了，我是黑色的When I die, I’m still black.当我死了，我仍是黑色的。you—white people,你——白种人When you were born, you were pink.当你出生时，你是粉红色的When you grow up, you become white.你长大了，变成白色的You’re red under the sun.你在阳光下，你是红色的You’re blue when you’re cold.你寒冷时，你是青色的You are yellow when you’re afraid.你害怕时，你是黄色的You’re green when you’re sick.你生病时，你是绿色的You’re gray when you die.当你死时，你是灰色的And you, call me color?然后，你叫我“有色种人”?”
15、 “Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金.纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. “Keep the change,” he said.我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用找了。”他说。”
16、 “An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.一个男人找到一个巫婆，要求她解开一条困扰了自己40年的咒语。The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”巫婆说：”或许我可以做的到，但你必须一字不落地告诉我下咒的时候说的那句咒语。”The old man says without hesitation – “I now pronounce you man and wife.”男人毫不犹豫的答道：“‘我现在宣布你们成为夫妇。’””
17、 “①If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself。日本旅馆：如果您想调节您房间的温度，请控制您自己。②Please don’t feed the animals. If you have any food, please give it to the guard on duty。匈牙利动物园：请不要给动物喂食。如果您有食品，请喂给值班警卫。③Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar。挪威酒吧：女士们不要在酒吧里生孩子。④Fur coats made for ladies from their skins。瑞典皮货商店：为女士们制作的皮大衣，是用她们的皮制成的。⑤Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists 。香港牙科诊所：由最新的卫理公会教徒给您拔牙。⑥Drop your trousers here for best results。泰国的干洗店：在这里脱掉您的裤子，等待最好的结果。⑦Specialist in women and other diseases。意大利妇科诊所：我们是women和其他疾病的专家。⑧Welcome to the cemetery where famous Russian artists are buried daily except Thursday。俄国公墓：欢迎访问这个公墓，许多著名的俄国艺术家每天埋在这里，但星期四不埋。⑨We take your bags and send them in all directions。丹麦机场：我们将拿走您的行李，送往四面八方。⑩T” he mana ger has personally passed all water served here。墨西哥旅馆：旅馆经理将亲自为您撒尿。
18、 What can Santa give away and still keep?Answer: a cold.什么东西圣诞老人可以分送出去，自己却也还留着？答案：感冒。
19、 “What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.圣诞老人喜欢在花园里做什么？答案：锄地。（英文里Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是锄草之意，ho则是圣诞老人的笑声。）”
20、 What do you do if one of Santa’s reindeer swallows your pencil?Answer: use a pen.若圣诞老人的驯鹿吃掉你的铅笔该怎么办？答案：用原子笔
21、 On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel.Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000NT bill lying on the floor. Which one of them do you think picked it up?圣诞节前夕，圣诞老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律师在一家高级饭店一同等电梯，门还未开前，三人同时看到地上有一张新台币1000元的钞票，猜猜谁会将它捡起？ Answer: Santa of course! Why? Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!答案：当然是圣诞老人啦！为什么？因为大家都知道另外两者并不存在。
22、 “It was the Christmas season and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What is your offense?”“I did my Christmas shopping early this year,” cried the prisoner.“There’s nothing wrong with that,” said the Judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”“Before the store opened,” answered the prisoner圣诞佳节到来，法官心情愉悦的问受刑人：“你做了什么坏事啊？”“我今年圣诞节购物早了些。”犯人回答。“那并不事件坏事”，法官说：“到底多早之前啊？”“商店开门之前。”犯人答道。”
23、 He believes in Santa Claus.He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.He is Santa Claus!相信圣诞老人的存在。不相信圣诞老人的存在。自己是个圣诞老人！
24、 “MY ENGLISH PROFESSOR once launched into a lecture on “motivation.” “What pushes you ahead?” he asked. “What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?” Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: “What makes you get out of bed in the morning?” The student replied: “My mother.”我们英文课的教授有一次在课上讲“动机”。“是什么推动你在人生的路上向前走？”他问道，“是什么让你每天上学来？又是什么驱使你追求成功？”冲着一个女学生，他问：“是什么让你早晨从床上爬起来的呢？”学生答道：“我妈妈。””
25、 “”Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked …”how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?” “Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.” ” Well, What sort of question?” “Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”“医生，你能不能告诉我，”鲍勃问，“对于一个看上去很正常的人，你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢？”“再没有比这容易的了，”医生回答，“问他一个简单的问题，简单到所有人都知道答案，如果他回答得不干脆，那你就知道是怎么回事了。”“那要问什么样的问题呢？”“嗯，你可以这样问，‘库克船长环球旅行了三次，但是在其中一次的途中他去世了，是哪一” 次 呢？’ ” 鲍勃想了一会儿，紧张的回答道，“你就不能问另外一个问题吗？坦率地说，我对历史了解的不是很多。”
26、 “As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner. “Yep, that’s him,” came the reply. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!”一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊？” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么？” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。””
27、 “A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, “What are you doing in there?” she asked.一位女士打开冰箱门，发现一只兔子坐在其中的一层隔板上，就问它：“你在那里做什么？”The rabbit replied, “This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”兔子回答：“这是Westinghouse对不对？”（Westinghouse，西屋电气公司）The lady confirmed, “Yes.”女士确认道：“没错。””Well,” the rabbit said,”I’m westing.”兔子说：“那就对了，我就是要往西边去。”Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?兔子：你确信这瓶特制胡萝卜汁能治好我的病？Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.医生：当然咯，凡是喝过的兔子没有一只来要第二瓶的。Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?兔宝宝：妈咪，我是从哪儿来的呢？Mother Rabbit: I’ll tell you when you’re older.兔妈妈：等你长大点再告诉你。Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.兔宝宝：噢妈咪，现在就告诉我吧，求您了。Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were” p ulled fr om a magician’s hat.兔妈妈：如果你一定要知道，那我告诉你你是从魔术师的帽子里被拽出来的。
28、 “I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet pision for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges，delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper?”我在惠普公司打印机部做技术支持工作已经有一个月了，有一天我接到一位客户的电话，她的问题我没办法解决。她的问题是：打印机不能打出来黄色，但是其它颜色都正常。这让我觉得很纳闷，因为三原色就是蓝、红、黄。我建议客户更换墨盒、删了驱动程序然后重新安装，但是都没有效果。我咨询同事们，他们也不知道该怎么办。经过两个多小时的交涉，我打算让客户” 把 打印机 寄 给我们，这时候她平静地说了一句：“我是不是应该把这张黄纸扔了换一张白纸再打印试试。”
29、 “Jerry went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!” “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.” “How much do you charge?” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “I’ll sleep on it,” said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!”杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了！”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了” ， “为 什么 你再也没来呢？”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗？有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎么做到的？”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了！”
30、 “”Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied.”Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.“你相信人能死后重生吗？”老板问他的一个员工。 “我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。 “哦，那还好”。老板接着说。 “你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。””
31、 “The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. “You’ll never believe this one, ” I told him.” I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s. ” Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, “Don’t tell me she hasn’t received them yet!”我所工作的精品家具商店是从20世纪二十年代以来就营业的。最近我接到一个妇女的电话。她想换一套餐具中的一些椅子。这套餐具她是在三十年代从我们这儿买的。我向她保证说我们可以帮她的忙，于是我向部门经理寻求帮助。“你永远也不会相信，”我对他说，“我刚接到一个顾客的电话，她在三十年代从我们这里买了一些椅子。” 我还没来得及说她的要求，经理就打断了我的话：“你别告诉我她到现在还没收到货！””
32、 “Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What’s the trouble?” “I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!” After apologizing, I got her parcel. “Oh, good,” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages.” “What is it?” I asked. “My husband’s new hearing aid.”我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗？”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了！”“是” 什 么好 东西 ？”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。
33、 “Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What’s the trouble?” “I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!” After apologizing, I got her parcel. “Oh, good,” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages.” “What is it?” I asked. “My husband’s new hearing aid.”我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗？”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了！”“是” 什 么好 东西 ？”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。
34、 “Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!” “That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”汤姆早上老起不来，所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气，警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是，汤姆去看医生，医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。汤姆照医生的话做了，睡得非常之好，事实上，他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。汤姆从容不迫地吃完早餐，然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。 “老板”，汤姆说，“那药真管用，我的睡眠好极了！” “是够管用的，”老板说，“问题是，昨天你人哪去了”？”
35、 “A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the new doctors … but after 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”有个妇女去看病，为她诊治的是一名年轻的医生。检查进行了大约四分钟，她哭着跑了出去，在走廊里面一边跑一边大叫着。一位老医生拦住了她，问她发生了什么事，妇女告诉了他事情的经过。听她说完，老医生让她坐在另一间屋子里放松一下，他自己穿过走廊来到新医生的办公室：“你是怎么搞的？特里太太今年63岁，她的四个孩” 子 都成年 了 ，还有7个孙子孙女，可是你居然对她说她怀孕了？”新医生继续做着他的纪录，眼皮都没抬一下：“她现在还打嗝吗？”
36、 “A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, please stand up.” Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Why do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “I don’t, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”代课教师试图运用她的心理学知识。开始上课时，她说：“谁觉得自己很愚蠢，请站起来。”小约翰马上站起来了。老师问：“为什么你觉得你很愚蠢呢，小约翰？”“我不觉得我很蠢，只是我不愿意你一个人站在那！””
37、 “As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner. “Yep, that’s him,” came the reply. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!”一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊？” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么？” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。””
38、 “A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, “If things just don’t work out can we get a porce?” St. Peter looks at her and replies, ” Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!”一对年轻的夫妇在去结婚的路上出了车祸，双双死去了。于是，他们来到了圣徒彼得面前，妻子问是否她还可以和丈夫结婚，圣徒彼得告诉他们，关于这个问题他一有了结果就会回来找他们。差不多30天以后，圣徒彼得回来了，并且告诉他们可以在天堂结婚。妻子又问：“如果生活的不愉快，我们可不可以离婚呢？”圣徒彼得看着她，回答说：“夫人，我花了30天才找到个传教士，难道你真的希望我再去找个律师吗？””
39、 “On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, “Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook…” I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, “He’s taking attendance.”大学的第一天，文学课我坐在了前排。教授告诉我们这学期必须得读五本书，他提供我们可供选择的作者名单。随后他缓步走上讲台，拿出课本，“贝克、布莱克、布鲁斯、卡特、库克…”为了写下所有的名字，我不得不疯狂的作着记录。这时有人轻轻的拍我肩膀，坐在我后面的学生悄悄告诉我：“他在点名呢。””
40、 “Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: “Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?” As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, “The person who signs my diploma.”我们大学的校报开办了一个每周一问的专栏。上周的问题是：“你最想要什么人的签名？为什么？”和预计的一样，大部分的回答都是歌星、体育明星或者政治家。但是，最优秀的答案来自一个一年级新生，他说：“在我毕业证上签字的那个人。””
41、 “My English professor once launched into a lecture on “motivation.” “What pushes you ahead?” he asked. “What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?” Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: “What makes you get out of bed in the morning?” The student replied: “My mother.”我们英文课的教授有一次在课上讲“动机”。“是什么推动你在人生的路上向前走？”他问道，“是什么让你每天上学来？又是什么驱使你追求成功？”冲着一个女学生，他问：“是什么让你早晨从床上爬起来的呢？”学生答道：“我妈妈。””
42、 “Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: “Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow.” A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the “c” in the word “class.” The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the “c” erased–calmly walked up and erased the “l” in “lass”, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c”擦掉，教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色地走上前，把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉，看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。”
43、 “”Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?” “Nothing is easier,” he replied, “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.” “Well, what sort of question?” “Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ ” Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”“医生，你能不能告诉我，”鲍勃问，“对于一个看上去很正常的人，你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢？”“再没有比这容易的了，”医生回答，“问他一个简单的问题，简单到所有人都知道答案，如果他回答得不干脆，那你就知道是怎么回事了。”“那要问什么样的问题呢？”“嗯，你可以这样问，‘库克船长环球旅行了三次，但是在其中一次的途中他去世了，是” 哪 一次呢 ？ ’”鲍勃想了一会儿，紧张的回答道，“你就不能问另外一个问题吗？坦率地说，我对历史了解的不是很多。”
44、 “On the day of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif., we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business-management textbooks. Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books. We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the final, it would be an open-book exam.我在加利福尼亚的圣玛丽亚市一所社区大学读书。期末考试那天，听说书店在回购我们的工商管理课本。考试前，我们几个赶忙跑到书店把书卖了，随后，我们坐在教室里等着考试。这时候教授宣布：考虑到试题的难度，今天的考试我们决定开卷。”
45、 “This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew… I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you. That’s me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.这是你们机长的声音。请允许我代表全体工作人员，欢迎你们乘坐英国航空公司602号航班从纽约飞往伦敦。我们此时在大西洋上空35,000英尺的高度。如果你从飞机的右边向窗外看去，你将会发现右侧的两个引擎都已经起火。如果你从左边往外看，你就会看到那边的机翼已经脱落了。如果你俯视下面的大西洋，那么你会看到一艘黄色的救生筏，上面有三个人正在朝你挥手。那是我、副驾驶员还有” 我 们的一 名 女乘务员。这是一段录音。
46、 “One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau is known for his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, “Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don’t mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they’re running!”在开普吉拉多市的东南密苏里州立大学上学的时候，我喜欢的几个老师之中有一个以他的幽默感而出名。给新生上头一节课，他给学生解释在他课上的纪律，他说：“我知道我的课经常会很枯燥乏味，所以我并不介意你们在课上看表。然而，我坚决不允许你们把表重重的摔在课桌上，以此来检查你的表是不是还在走。””
47、 “A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign … hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing ‘Shell’ sign. And somebody was standing in front of the ‘S.’有个人开车行驶在上班的路上，一辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车，当时他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚一醒过来，他就拼命的挣扎着，最后不得不用了药物才让他镇静下来。过了一会儿，他平静了，别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎，他说：“被撞之后我就什么都不知道了，当我醒过来，我发现我躺在了路边，前面是一个巨大的广告牌上面闪烁着‘壳牌’，但是有个人挡住了那个“S。””
48、 “A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.有个小男孩非常需要50美元，他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来，他决定写封信向上帝索要这50美元。邮局接到这封信，想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗笑了，于是指示秘书寄给小男孩5美元，因为他觉得5美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴，给上帝回了一封感谢信，信里写道：尊敬的上帝，非常感谢你把钱寄给我。然而，我” 发 现这些 钱 是通过白宫寄出的，因此，和往常一样，那帮家伙收了我45美元的税。
49、 “Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.At last she could not hold any more, uttering. “Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America.”一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。””
50、 My uncle has 1000 men under him.He is really somebody. What does he do?A maintenance man in a cemetery.我叔叔下面有1000个人。他真是一个大人物。干什么的？墓地守墓人。
51、 “When my printer’s type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer’s directions and try the job myself.Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?””Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first.”由于我的打印机不能打印出清晰的字来，我就打电话给维修部。电话是一位非常和蔼的男人接的，他说我的打印机也许只是需要清理一下。他还说，如果让维修部清理的话要交50英镑的清理费，让我最好看看使用手册自己试着清理。当时我真的被他的话感动了，就问他：“你们老板知道你这样拒绝生意么？”“事实上，这就是我们老板的主意，”雇员答道：“因为如果我们让用户先自行修理打印机的话就能挣更多的钱。””
52、 “A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.律师的狗，没有拴而到处闲逛，它来到一家肉店，偷走了一块 烤肉。店主来到律师的办公室，问道“如果一条没栓的狗从我的商店里偷了块肉，我有权利从狗的主人那里要回损失吗？律师答道：“完全可以”，“那你欠我 8.50美元，你的狗没栓而且今天从我的店里头了块肉”，律师什么都没说，马上给他写了一张支票。一些天后，店主打开邮箱，发现一封来自律师的信，信上写 道：咨询费250美元。”
53、 “A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. “But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.””Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.””But ,officer, I ….””I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!”A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.””Are you sure?” answered the man in the cell. “I’m the groom.”大街上的一个超速驾驶者被警察拦住了。“但是警官”这个人说道，“我可以解释的”。“保持安静”，警察突然说道。“我将把你送往监狱，直到长官回来。“但是，警察，我……”。“我说过了保持安静，你要到监狱了。”几小时后，警察向监狱里看了看说道“算你运气好，因为我们的长官正在他女儿的婚礼上。他将带着一个愉快的心情回来的。”“你确定”在牢房里的这个人说道。“我就是新郎呀”。”
54、 “Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in front of him — his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!” Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so low?”我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴，和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提－－他的身高。或者，我应该说，他是有点矮！一天，经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入，高声说，“有人拿了我的钱包！”我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声，但有人却蹦出一句话：“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊”！”
55、 “A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey stole my beer.” The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it, I’ll play it.”一男子去酒吧，点了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。当他环视酒吧时，发现一只猴子荡下来，在他阻止之前，偷走了啤酒。该男子问酒吧招待，这只猴子是谁的。服务员回答说是钢琴手的。男子走到钢琴手面前问：“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒吗？”钢琴手回答说：“没有，但是如果你能哼唱，我会为你演奏的。””
56、 “A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son.”Dad, “says the son, there’s something I’ve got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly？””Son”, the father replies, I painted the vase.”一个富有的主妇很是骄傲因为她收藏了一件非常有价值的古董花瓶，于是她决定把卧室粉刷成与花瓶同样的颜色。许多油漆匠都试图尽力与花瓶的颜色匹配，但是没有任何人能做得 让那古怪的女人满意的。一个油漆匠很自信他能做到，最终他成功了。那个主妇很满意，于是这个油漆匠也变得很出名。多年以后，油漆匠要退休了，他把自己的生意交给儿子去经营。“爸爸”儿子问“我还有些事情想知道，你怎么能把墙粉刷得和花瓶的颜” 色 那么相 配 ？”“儿子”爸爸回答到“我只不过是把花瓶刷了。”
57、 A big battle was going on during the First World War．Guns were firing， and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere．After an hour of this， one of the soldiers decidedthat the fighting was getting too dangerous for him， so he leftthe front line and began to go away from the battle． After hehad walked for an hour，he saw an officer coming towardshim． The officer stopped him and said，“ where are you going？” “I’m trying to get as far away as possible from the battlethat’s going on behind us， sir，” the soldier answered． “Do you know who I am？” the officer said to him angrily．“I’m your commanding officer．” The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said，“My God，I didn’t know that I was so far back already！”第一次世界大战期间，一场大战役正在进行。枪炮轰鸣，炮弹和子弹到处乱飞。这样过了一个小时后，一个士兵认定战斗对他来说变得太危险了，所以他离开前线开始逃离战场。步行了一个小时之后，他看见一个军官向他走过来。那军官叫住他说：“你要到哪儿去？” “ 长 官， 我正 尽可能远地躲开我们身后正在进行的战役，”士兵回答说。 “你知道我是谁吗？”军官生气地对他说：“我是你的指挥官。” 那士兵听到此话感到非常惊讶，说：“天哪，我想不到我已经往回跑了这么远了！”
58、 “The Mean Mans PartyThe notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, “Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.””Why use my elbow and foot?””Well, gosh,” was the reply, “You’re not coming empty-handed, are you?”吝啬鬼的聚会一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？””
