关于英语笑话短文带翻译
1、”One day, John was back home after work. He found that his wife was shaking their daughter who was only half a year old. She said “Da-Dy” to the baby many times. John felt very happy because he thought his wife chose the word “Dady” to teach their baby. During one night several weeks later, John and his wife were waken up by the cry “Dady”. His wife said to him, “Darling, she is calling you.” Then she turned to sleep.一天下班回家，约翰发现妻子在摇半岁的女儿，嘴里反复念道：“爸-爸。”约翰心里感到美滋滋的，他的妻子选择了“爸爸”这个词首先教孩子。 几周后的一天夜里，约翰和妻子被一阵哭声惊醒了，“爸-爸！”“她在叫你，亲爱的。”妻子说，然后翻身竟自睡了。”
2、”Three Men in a BoatThree men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.”Oh yes, ” he said. “They are my friends.”In that case, ” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!””Yes, sir, ” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.三人同舟三位男子在公园的长椅上坐着。中间的一个在读报纸，另外两个在假装钓鱼。他们给想象的鱼钩上鱼饵，放线，并卷线把鱼抓上来。一位过路警察驻足观察了这个景象，他问中间的那个男子是否认识其他两位。“喔，认识，”他说，“他们是我的朋友。”“那样的话，”警察告诫说，“你最好把他们从这里弄走。”“好的，警官。”那男子回答说，接着就开始疯狂般地做起划桨的动作来。”
3、A poor man， presenting himself before the King of Spain，asked his charity， telling him that he was his brother． Theking desiring to know how he claimed kindred to him， the poorfellow replied，“We are all descended from one common fatherand mother—viz．， Adam and Eve．” Upon which the kinggave him a little copper piece of money． The poor man beganto bemoan himself， saying，“Is it possible that your Majestyshould give no more than this to your brother？”“Away，away，”replies the king；“if all the brothers you have in theworld give you as much as I have done， you’ll be richer than Iam．”一个穷汉去见西班牙国王，说自己是他的兄弟，求他施恩周济。国王想知道他何以攀认亲戚，穷汉回答说，“我们有共同的祖先——亚当和夏娃。”听了这话，国王就给了他一个小铜子儿。于是穷人开始叫屈，说：“难道您国王陛下就给兄弟这么一点点钱吗？”“走开，快走，”国王回答，“如果世界上你所有的兄弟们都像我这样给你一个铜板，你就比我还有钱了。”
4、”When a Tiger comes Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of “Nikes” from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, “Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?” His friend replies: “I don’t have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you.”两个男人正在穿过丛林，突然，一只老虎出现在远处，向他们冲来。当中的一个人从包里拿出一双“耐克”跑鞋，开始穿上。另一个人惊奇地看着他说，“你以为穿上跑鞋就可以跑得过老虎吗？” 他的朋友回答道：“我不用跑得过它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。””
5、”Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool（毒菌） ?Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.年少的童子军：我怎样才能把蘑菇和毒蕈区别开呢？年长的童子军：上床前吃一个。如果你第二天早上醒来，那就是蘑菇。”
6、”A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: “If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?”The winning reply was: “The one nearest the exit.”一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将救出哪一幅？”获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的那一幅。””
7、”Once I received a thank-you note from a friend whom I had helped. In the envelope were five lottery tickets that had been scratched, revealing the numbers. “Thank you very much for your help,” the note read. “As a gift, I bought you some lottery tickets- sorry you didn’t win. “有一次，我收到一封感谢信，是一个我曾帮助过的朋友寄来的。信封内有五张彩票，都被刮过了，露出了数字。“非常感谢您的帮助，”信上写道，“作为礼物，我给您买了些彩票—-真遗憾，您没中奖。””
8、”After friends of mine landed at busy Newwark Airport, they were unable to attract the attention of any porters to help with their luggage. In desperation, the husband took out a five-dollar bill and waved it above the crowd.In an instant, a skycap was at his side. “Sir,” observed the porter, ” you certainly have excellent communication skills.我的朋友们在繁忙的纽瓦克机场着陆后，他们却不能招呼到脚夫来帮他们搬行李。无奈，丈夫拿出一张五美元的钞票在人群上面摇晃。一个带宽边帽的人马上来到他身边。“先生，”脚夫说道，“很明显你有绝妙的交际技巧。””
9、””Oh, my poor man,” exclaimed the kind old lady， “It must be dreadful to be lame. But it would be much worse if you were blind.””You’re absolutely right,” said the beggar, obviously an old hand at the game.” When I was blind, people kept giving me foreign coins.””啊，可怜的人，”善良的老妇人惊叹道。”脚瘸就够惨的了，要是眼瞎就更糟了。””你说的一点儿没错，”那乞丐说。他显然是乞讨老手。”我眼瞎的时候，人们老是给我外币。””
10、”After burying his mother nine months earlier, a client of the local mortuary finally had enough money to purchase the expensive coffin he’d originally wanted. So we exhumed the body and transferred his deceased mother into the new steel casket. “What’s so special about this coffin?” I asked the funeral director. He replied, “It has a lifetime warranty.”在将母亲下葬9个月后，当地殡仪馆的一个客户终于攒够了钱去买那副他早就相中的价值不菲的棺材了。他把母亲的棺材挖了出来，将尸体转移到了那副新的钢制棺材中。“这副棺材有什么特别？”，我问葬礼的承办人。他回答说，“这种棺材终生保修。”
11、”While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, What does ‘hybrid pulse D/A converter’ mean?That means, she said, that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal – that is, into music.In other words this CD player plays CDs.Exactly.在购买我的第一部CD唱机时，我能够解读推销标记上面的大多数技术语言。但是有一个标示却让我颇为迷惑，于是我叫过销售商，问道：‘混合脉冲D/A变换器’是什么意思？它的意思是，她说，这个机器能够读CD碟上加码的数字信息，将它转换成声音信息－也就是说，转换成音乐。换句话说，这个CD唱机能够播放CD碟。正是如此。”
12、”The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch（故障） arose over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was completed, the patron（赞助人，主顾） was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub（涂抹，涂料） of brilliant red.What’s this? exclaimed the purchaser. I asked for the Red Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.That’s it, replied Hogarth.But, where are the Israelites?They are all gone over.Where are the Egyptians?They’re all drowned.一天，有人请这位伟大的画家画一幅法老王渡红海图。这幅画刚开始不久，酬金就出现了问题。霍迪斯发现，完成这幅画后，他只能得到他想要的大约一半的钱。当作品完成之后，那位主顾被请来看画。其实，这幅画不过是胡乱涂抹的一片鲜红。这是什么？那位买主喊了起来。我要的是红海，是那次著名的航海。这就是，霍迦斯回答说。可是以色列人在哪儿？他们都已经渡过去了。埃及人在哪儿？他们全都淹死了。”
13、”The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll build the fence?” “I don’t know, ” said the kangaroo. “Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个特殊的八英尺高的围墙。但是第二天早上，人们发现这动物在围墙外面蹦跳着。于是围墙高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园经理甚感恼火，又叫人把围墙高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠还是逃了出来。一个长颈鹿问袋鼠：“你认为他们会把围墙建到多高？” “我不知道，”袋鼠说，“如果他们继续开着大门，可能要修到一千英尺吧。””
14、”Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:″I have known many an instance（实例） of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″一个星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封,发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们：“写信时忘了签名的人,我遇到过很多,但只签了名却忘了写信的人,我还是头一次遇到。””
15、”The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. “My son is a monsignor,” said the first proud woman. “When he enters a room, people say, ‘Hello, Monsignor’.” The second mother went on, “My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, ‘Hello, Your Excellency’.””My son is a cardinal.” continued the next one. “When he enters a room, people say, ‘Hello, Your Eminence’. ” The fourth mother thought for a moment. “My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, ” she said. “When he enters a room, people say, ‘Oh, my God’!”四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’！””
16、”Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft（阁楼） and attic at church. I’ve tried everything—-noise, spray, cats—-nothing seems to scare them away.Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry（钟楼） and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated（熏制） , and they still won’t go away.The third said, I baptized（洗礼） all mine, and made them members of the church…haven’t seen one back since!三个南部的牧师在一家小餐馆里吃午饭。其中的一个说道：“你们知道吗，自从夏天来临，我的教堂的阁楼和顶楼就被蝙蝠骚扰，我用尽了一切办法—-噪音、喷雾、猫—-似乎什么都不能把它们赶走。”另外一位说：“是啊，我也是。在我的钟楼和阁楼也有好几百只。我曾经请人把整个地方用烟熏消毒一遍，它们还是赶不走。”第三个牧师说：“我为我那里的所有蝙蝠洗礼，让它们成为教会的一员……从此一只也没有再回来过。””
17、An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement． A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor．How are you？ “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don’t know what’s the matter with me．I’ve been limping for the last half hour．”有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的学生说： “晚安，老师。您怎么了？” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”
18、”George comes from school on the first of September.”George, how did you like your new teacher?” asked his mother.”I didn’t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too…..”9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？” 妈妈问。“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。””
19、”A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.”I can’t hear out of my left ear,” the man told the judge.”Can you hear out of your right ear?” the judge asked. The man nodded his head. ”You’ll be allowed to serve on the jury,” the judge declared. “We only listen to one side of the case at a time.”一位法官问我们这群修补陪审员是否有人应当免权。一个人举起了手。“我的左耳听不见。”那人告诉法官。“你的右边耳朵听得见吗？”法官问道。那人点了点头。“你将被允许加入陪审团，”法官宣布。“我们每次只听一面之辞。””
20、””We have a skunk in the basement,” shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. “How can we get it out?””Take some bread crumbs,” said the dispatcher, “and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open.”Sometime later the resident called back. “Did you get rid of it?” asked the dispatcher.”No,” replied the caller. “Now I have two skunks in there!”“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？”“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说;“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。”一段时间后，那人又打电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问他。“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。””
21、”A short young man was running behind a bus which was full of passengers. But the bus still ran at a great speed. ”Stop, stop, ” a passenger looked out of the window, and shouted at the young man, “you can’t catch it ! ” ”I must,” the young fellow said, out of breath, “because I’m only driver of the bus.在一辆满载乘客的公共汽车后面，一位小个子青年在奔跑着。气车仍在高速前进。 “停下吧，”一位乘客把头伸出窗子，对小个子喊道，“你追不上的！” “我必须追上，”小个子气喘吁吁地说，“我是司机！””
22、”Just like most of other kids, aged two Emilia didn’ t like washing hands──she’ s always wiping the dirt off hands on her clothes. One day I accompanied her to have fried cicadae（蝉）. Habitually she rubbed her grease fingers on her real silk short gown. I held back (阻挡) her from doing it: ” What do you want to do?” She was immediately on to （意识）her blame, replied at ease（从容）: ” I’ m akimbo.”像大多数别的小孩一样，两岁艾咪丽雅不爱洗手，吃东西弄脏手，随便在身上一抹就得了。一天我正陪她吃炸知了，她手上的油多了，便习惯地往真丝小褂子上蹭，我阻止道：“你想干什么？”她马上意识到问题所在，从容答道：“我叉腰。””
23、”Once upon a time, there lived a rich man, but he didn’t know any words. One day, one of his friends wanted to borrow an ox from him, so he wrote a note and asked his servant to take it to this rich man. After the servant gave the note to the rich man, he pretended to be reading it and after a while, he said, “OK, I know. Go and tell your master, I’ll go myself shortly.从前，有个人很富有，但他不识字。一天，他的一位朋友想向他借一头公牛，便写了个条，让仆人送到富人那里。 仆人把条子给了富人。富人便假装看了一会儿，然后说道：“好啦，我知道了。回去告诉你的主人，我马上自己过去。””
24、”A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, Mom, the toast is burned.You talked! You talked! Shouted his mother. I’m so happy! But why has it taked this long?Well, up till now, Said the boy, things have been okay.一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开口说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：妈妈，面包烤焦了。你说话了！你说话了!他母亲叫了起来。我太高兴了！但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？哦，在这之前，那男孩说，一切都很正常。”
25、”Boy: Hi, didn’t we go on dates before? Onec or twice?Girl: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。”
26、”In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, “What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?””To be deaf,” replied the boy.”Nonsense!” said the teacher angrily.”Why, sir! Don’t you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?” the boy asked in reply disdainfully.在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男孩：”音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？””耳聋，”男孩答道。”胡说！”老师气愤地说。”怎么了，先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？”男孩轻蔑地反问道。”
27、”One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, “What’s the meaning of the word ‘Drunk’, dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.””But, dad,” the boy said, ” there’s only ONE policeman!”一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！””
28、”Have a neuropathy, I do not know where to get a handful of pistols, he is gone in a little black alley. When suddenly a young man, neuropathy apart from anything else its guns on the ground by pointing to his head. Asked one plus a few zero. Terrified young people, thought for a long time. Answer, equals two. Neuropathy of the killing he did not hesitate. And then get pulled in his arms, said a cold, you know too much …有一个神经病，不知道从哪里弄来了一把手枪，他走在一条小黑胡同里。突然遇上一个年轻人，神经病二话不说将其按在地上用枪指着他的头。问道，一加一得几。年轻人吓坏了，沉思了很久。回答，等于二。神经病毫不犹豫的打死了他。然后把抢拽在怀里，冰冷的说了一句，你知道的太多了…”
29、”The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.But John’s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy’s family name, so when he saw John’s papers, he was surprised.”How old are you?” he said.”Eighteen, sir,” said John.”But your brother was eighteen, too,” said the doctor. “Are you twins?””Oh, no, sir,” said John, and his face went red. “My brother is five months older than I am.”第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。“你多大了？”军医问。“十八，长官。”约翰说。“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗？”约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。””
30、”Little Johnny says “Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.””You’ve done the right thing,” says Mommy.”But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.”小强尼说：“妈妈，今天早上和爸爸在公车上时，他叫我让座给一位女士。”妈妈说：“你做得很对呀。”“但是，妈妈，我是坐在爸爸膝盖上的。””
31、Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?Tom: I’ve just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了
32、”The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. “Mary !” called the teacher sharply. “Yes,Madam?” questioned the pupil , “Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!”一个女学生坐在座位上，嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖，脚却伸到课桌间的走道里，被老师发现了。“玛丽！”老师严厉地叫她。“什么事，老师？”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把脚放进去。””
33、”Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, “What happened?””A kid bit me,” replied Ivan.”Would you recognize him if you saw him again?” asked his mother.”I’d know him any where,” said Ivan. “I have his ear in my pocket.”伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。””
34、”Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, “What’s the time, please?”After a few months, Dan said to himself, “I’m not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I’m going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here.” Then he did so.“Now people aren’t going to stop and ask me the time,” he thought happily.But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, “Is that clock right?”丹在一个大城市的某个俱乐部当守门人。每天都有数千人经过他的门口，而且许多人都会停下来问他:“请问现在几点？”几个月后，丹想:“我不想再回答这些蠢人提出的问题了，我要去买一只大钟，把它挂在这儿的墙上。”于是他买了一只钟，把它挂在了墙上。“现在人们总不会再停下来问我时间了。”他高兴地想。可是打那以后，每天仍有许多人停下来，看看钟，然后问丹:“这钟准吗？””
35、”One day, the father lets eight year-old son send a letter, the son took the letter , the father then remembered didn’t write the address and addressee’s name on the envelope. After the son comes back, the father asks him: “You have thrown the letter in the mail box?” ”Certainly””You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?””I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope.” ”Then why you didn’t take it back?” ”I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee, is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!”有一天,父亲让八岁的儿子去寄一封信,儿子已经拿着信跑了,父亲才想起信封上没写地址和收信人的名字。儿子回来后,父亲问他:“你把信丢进邮筒了吗?” “当然”“你没看见信封上没有写地址和收信人名字吗?”“我当然看见信封上什么也没写”“那你为什么不拿回来呢？”“我还以为你不写地址和收信人,是为了不想让我知道你把信寄给谁呢!””
36、”I was making rolls and, needing a warm place for the dough to rise, put the bowl in a heating pad. Then I left the house on an errand（使命，差事） . When I came back, I found this note from my son: “Dear Mom, I hope your bread gets better.”我在做面包，需要把面团放在一个暖和点的地方使它发起来。我把面盆放在电热褥里，后来就出去干别的活去了。等我回家时，发现儿子留下一张纸条，上面写着：“亲爱的妈妈，我希望您的面包已经病好了。””
37、”Kate: Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday?Mom: No, Honey, what?Kate: A nice teapot.Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot.Kate: No, you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it.凯特：妈妈，你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗？妈妈：不知道，宝贝，是什么呀？凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。”
38、”Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老师：请说说看。学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。”
39、”The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被宠坏的） . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（乱发脾气） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother’s loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?Cry? John asked. No, I didn’t cry, but the teacher did!六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？哭？约翰问，不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”
40、”Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, “Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream.””Why did it make you late?” inquired the teacher.”Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time.” replied Mike.麦克上学迟到了。他对布莱克老师说：“对不起，老师，今天早上我迟到了。因为我在梦里观看了一场球赛。”“为什么它会让你迟到呢？”老师问道。“因为这两个队都没有能力获胜，所以就持续的时间长了。”麦克回答说。”
41、”One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.The mother exclaimed, But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn’t do?The little girl replied, My homework.一天，小女孩从学校回到家里，对妈妈说：妈妈，今天在学校里我因为一件我没有做的事情而受到惩罚。妈妈激动地说：那真是太可怕了！我要跟你的老师好好谈一谈，对了，你没有做过的那件事是什么？小女孩回答说：我的家庭作业。”
42、”When they’re together, my five-year-old son and his cousin tend to cause mayhem. one Saturday, I put my foot down. “All right, you two,” I said sternly. “No screaming , grabbing, whining, hitting, teasing, tattling, breaking toys, scratching or fighting.” As I turned to leave, I heard my son say, “C’mon, Steven, let’s get dirty . “我五岁的儿子和他的表弟在一起的时候，总要招来大乱。一个星期六，我开始抗议了。“好啦，你们两个，”我严厉地说，“不许叫喊，不许乱拿，不许哭闹，不许乱敲，不许取笑，不许扯淡，不许弄坏玩具，不许乱抓，不许打架。” 我刚转身要走，就听我儿子说：“来，斯蒂文，我们来把自己弄脏吧。””
43、”Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?Ron: Well, I don’t know—does he bite?Reggie: That’s what I want to find out.里基：我们又得到了一条新狗，你愿意过来和他玩一会吗？罗恩：嗯，我不知道—-它咬人吗？里基：这正是我想要查明的。”
44、”Amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.I’m afraid we can’t afford one, sighed his mother.But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.How on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mother.Easy, Mum. replied Amos, I sold the television!艾莫斯问妈妈他们是否能买一台录像机。恐怕我们还买不起，妈妈叹息着说。可第二天当艾莫斯回来时，他摇摇晃晃地搬着一台全新的录像机。你究竟是哪儿来的钱买这东西？妈妈大吃一惊，喘着气说。妈妈，这简单， 艾曼斯回答。我把电视机给卖了！”
45、”Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, “Honey, do you realize that we’ve been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?” Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, “So, you want to switch seats?”婚后已久，我丈夫往往在一个特别事情上需要委婉的提醒。在我们结婚35周年纪念的早上，我们正坐在早餐桌旁，我暗示道：“亲爱的，你意识到我们在这两个相同的座位上已坐了整整35年了吗？” 他放下报纸，眼睛直直地望着我：“因此，你想交换座位吗？””
46、”Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly — take this piece and cut it two!汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗？妈妈：当然可以—-拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧”
47、”Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don’t give me a nickel I’ll tell my father.Sister’s boyfriend: No, don’t do that. Here’s a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I’ve made this month.弟弟：我看见你亲我姐姐了，如果你不给我五分钱，我就告诉我爸。姐姐的男朋友：不要那样做。给你五分钱。弟弟：我这个月已经赚了一块两毛五了。”
48、Professor: When is your birthday?Kid: May 30.Professor: Which year?Kid: Every year.教授：你的生日是什么时候？孩子：5月30日。教授：哪一年？孩子：每年都是。
49、”A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it’s Einstein’s turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.一群伟大的科学家去世后在天堂里玩藏猫猫。轮到爱因斯坦抓人，他数到100睁开眼睛，看到所有的人都藏起来了，只有牛顿还站在那里。”
50、”Teacher: “John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?”John: “What do you think it is, sir?”Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!”John: “I don’t think I know either, sir!”老师：“John，动词ring的过去分词是什么？”。约翰：“你想它是什么呢”？老师：“我不用想，我知道！”。约翰：“我想我不知道”。”
51、”An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.”I’ve got good news and bad news,” the owner replied.”Give me the good news first,” the artist demanded.”The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.””That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed, “What could the bad news possibly be?”With concern, the gallery owner replied, “The gentleman in question was your doctor.”以为艺术家在一个画廊办了个展览，他问店主是否有人对他参展的画感兴趣。“我有一个好消息和一个坏消息。”店主回答。“先告诉我好消息。”画家要求道。“好消息是一位绅士询问了你的作品，还问它是否会在你死后增。我告诉他会的，然后他买下了你所有的15幅画作。”“那太棒了！”画家惊叹。“那么什么会是坏消息呢？”店主想了想之后说：“问那个问题的是你的医生”。”
52、”A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, “Have you enjoyed yourself today?””Oh, yes, miss!” said Sally, “It was lovely. All except the music, that is.”一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐，就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象，她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候，她问小萨莉：“你今天玩得好吗?”“噢，好极了，小姐，” 萨莉说，“除了音乐其它都很好。””
53、”Teacher: “John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?”John: “What do you think it is, sir?”Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!”John: “I don’t think I know either, sir!”‘老师：“John，动词ring的过去分词是什么？”。约翰：“你想它是什么呢”？老师：“我不用想，我知道！”。约翰：“我想我不知道”。”
54、”Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, ‘School — Go Slow’.老 师：约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到?约翰尼：每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着‘学校-缓行’。”
55、Student A: When do people talk least?Student B: In February.Student A: Why?Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.学生甲：人们在什么时候说话最少?学生乙：在二月。学生甲：为什么呢?学生乙：因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。
56、”Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?Tom: Men.Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?Tom: Twins.”孩子”的复数形式老师：汤姆，‘男人’这个词的复数形式是什么?汤姆：男人们。老师：答得好。那‘孩子’的复数形式呢?汤姆：双胞胎。”
57、”A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, “Have you enjoyed yourself today?””Oh, yes, miss!” said Sally, “It was lovely. All except the music, that is.”一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐，就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象，她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候，她问小萨莉：“你今天玩得好吗?”“噢，好极了，小姐，” 萨莉说，“除了音乐其它都很好。””
58、”My Sister’s FingersTeacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.Teacher: I don’t see any bandages.Kevin: Oh, they weren’t my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.我妹妹的手指头老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了?凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。老师：怎么没有扎绷带呀?凯温：噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。”
59、”The Climate of New ZealandTeacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?Matthew: Very Cold, sir.Teacher: Wrong.Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!新西兰的气候老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样?马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。老师：错了。马修：可是，先生!从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。”
60、”One student to another: “How are your English lessons coming along?””Fine. I used to be one who couldn’t understand the English men, and now it’s the English men who can’t understand me.”一位学生对另一位说：“你的 英语 最近学的怎么样?”“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。””
61、”The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog.”It’s all right,” said a gentleman, “don’t be afraid. Don’t you know the proverb: Barking dogs don’t bite?””Ah, yes,” answered the little girl. “I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?”一个小女孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？””
62、知道”Family”这个单词的含义吗？ 爸 F ather和 A nd妈 M other我 I爱 L ove你 Y ou爸妈我爱你=家庭。
63、小时侯上学，把“English” 读为“应给利息”的同学当了银行行长；读为“阴沟里洗”的成了菜贩子；读为“因果联系”的成了哲学家；读为“硬改历史”的成了政治家; 读为“英国里去”的成了海外华侨；而我，不小心读成了“应该累死”结果成了打工的！
64、上英语课，老师问：“知识是什么?”全班人回答：“knowledge !”就我一个特么特大声的说：“力量!!!”
65、“苹果用英语怎么说?”我问。“Apple”侄女高兴地回答。“香蕉用英语怎么说”我接着问。“Banana‘她快速地答到。“嗯，不错啊，那小鸭子用英语怎么说啊?”小侄女犹豫了一下，接着答“嘎，嘎……”
66、你伤害了Word，还Excel而过，你Access的贪婪，我Outlook懦弱。One泪Note过，回忆是多Binder，只怪自己Mail你PowerPoint。
67、去年春节回老家时，看到一个老外在向一个农民伯伯问路。只见那个老外一边说着生硬的中文，一边用手笔划，但那个农民伯伯却还是不明白。最后，那个农民伯伯说了一句让我至今难忘的话：“Can you speak English?”
68、刚刚去营业厅冲话费，听到服务小姐说，how much?我愣了好久，没反应过来，心想英语都普及到这地步了?遂回答，50。他也愣了，又重复了一次，我这才听明白她刚才说的是，号码是?
69、我们外国同事突然问我：你们中国人最爱用的外语口头禅是不是“what‘s up‘?感觉你们见面时常说“what‘s up‘，有时候自己对着电脑都会自言自语说，是受美国文化影响么？我想了半天是不是有这么回事，然后突然恍然大悟，对她说：我操！
70、“闺女，香蕉用英语怎么说?”“banana！”“苹果呢?”“iPhone！”“那大苹果呢?”“iPad！”
